Communion Of Dreams


Sometimes, I learn.
July 26, 2010, 9:40 am
Filed under: Bipolar, Depression, Failure, Health

I can be . . . ah, stubborn. Yeah, let’s just call it stubborn. Not bull-headed, not thick, not dense, not stuck in my ways. Stubborn.

But sometimes I learn.

This weekend I wanted to spend some time getting yardwork done – stuff which had been neglected a bit, due to the recent class I was teaching and the high temps and heavy rains. Yesterday’s task was to chop up a bunch of larger brush bits, turning it into kindling and small logs for the firewood ric.

So I got out the chainsaw. And it wouldn’t start.

Now, mind, this saw is only a couple years old. And hadn’t seen a lot of use. But the last couple of times I tried to use it, I’ve run into problems with it.

I am very mechanically inclined, and usually have no problems tacking small repair job or other such tasks. Just Saturday I rehabbed the wheel bearings and did other minor maintenance on my chipper/shredder.

But me and chainsaws . . . well, we don’t get along. Just one of those weird things. Still, under most circumstances, I would go ahead and spend the time to take the saw apart, checking the various components to make sure that they’d work, then putting it back together. Eventually, I’d sort out the problem, get the thing working properly.

Except now I’m fighting a mild depression, as noted the other day. And if I couldn’t find anything wrong with the saw on the first pass, it’d really piss me off. And depress me further for getting pissed off and letting a simple mechanical thing get the better of me. That whole cycle would just spin until the whole day was ruined.

I looked at the chainsaw again. Then I put it back in its case, and stuck it in the garage. Then I went out and bought a new chainsaw.

Silly? Maybe. But as I told a friend in an email:

Well, this is one of the things that I have *finally* learned – that I don’t have to do the hard thing every single fucking time when fighting a depressive cycle – that it’s OK to take the easy way out sometimes.

The old chainsaw will still be the same, sitting in the garage, later. When I’m not struggling with my own personal demons I’ll get it out, fix it (or determine that it can’t be fixed for a reasonable amount) and then either find a new home for it or keep it as a spare.

The new chainsaw worked fine yesterday. I got a lot of work done with it. About to go out and finish up here in a bit. Even better, the same company who made the old one (I like their products generally) had since come out with a line of saws which have vibration control. At first I thought it was a gimmick, but when I started using it I found out that it works pretty well. And as a result, my hands do not have a fraction of the ache and pain they usually do when I’ve been using a saw a lot.

Yeah, sometimes, I learn.

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